Difficult Things.

While looking into my past (aka this blog) I found the post below, still in draft form. Forgive the typos, spacing, formatting, etc. I felt it needed to be posted, as-is, for my own healing and support to own journey in life. I am still a soldier of life.

Life has been so crazy as of late. Really though, it's been an arduous process. I began a process of self discovery and change in March of 2010. As it stands now, June 21, 2011, I have experienced myriad of highs and lows. I have ridden several roller coasters the size of Mt. Everest, sometimes several in one day. I have triumphed and I have cried bitterly.

As it stands now.... well, I honestly don't know. I ache for so much. I ache for the past, present and future - including could be's, might be's, and never was.

I think about how often I wish the universe would support me more. I've been left hanging periously but I've made it through. I've been bruised and left wary but I continue on. I'm a soldier of life. I was told yesterday (by my boss no less) that I am the living dead. How appropriate... it's ironic that she will never know.

As I continue in my stupor I leave you with some beautiful words from a young writer in CA. I realize that what I post below some might not understand or relate to at all. But, I (as a girl who reads), can feel these words in my very soul. I realize the difficulties of my lfie are because I recognize characters for what they really are, I can sense when the scene will end, I know when the air will leave a room. I know and sense it all... but it really doesn't make it any easier.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/dont-date-a-girl-who-reads/

On my mind...

"You didn’t love her. You just didn’t want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn’t love her, because you don’t destroy the person that you love."

  Callie Torres, The Heart of the Matter’ 



I haven't blogged in years. I am a different person and yet the same. This is on my mind today. So deeply happy and yet, so deeply distraught. Logic doesn't figure into this picture so I can't describe it to you, my invisible audience. 

Yup

Found this on Elements of Style's blog today. How true! I've been toying with some of these statements for quite a while. I'm ready to take some action but I'm not ready for the fallout just yet.

I wait for now... and take baby steps along the way.

Cutest Little One. Ever.

This post should be called, "Aww, Can I keep it?" I present to you this little sweetie, who is a 4-day old zedonk:

Photo taken by AP Photo

Yes, ladies and gents that is a cross between a donkey and a zebra. The little one is pictured above with her momma, a donkey. SO CUTE!!

Black Beauty

The other night I took my usual route home. While walking the three blocks from my office to the train I had to pass an area hotel and upscale steakhouse. What do I see parked out front?

Be still my heart. The Bentley Continental GT. One little known fact about me.... I am a car girl. And this one is HOT.

I noticed the car as I had to cross the entrance to the hotel. Did I slow my stride as I got closer? Perhaps. Did I walk on tiptoe to try and see over the super tall hedges covering the side view? Maybe. Did I give it a nice long once-over, once I walked past the hedges? Better believe it.

How beautiful is that interior?

Images via ?, the paul tan.org, and supercars.org.

Fast Lane... for New Yorkers only?

The always adorable Color Me Katie posted this picture on her blog today. She created this special little "lane" in NY explaining, "New Yorkers are known for always racing to their destination and since people from out of town like to take their time and actually enjoy the city, having separate lanes isn't a bad idea!"

hahahaha. As a New Yorker I love this idea. Getting stuck behind a slow poke on the sidewalk is one of my major pet peeves... especially when I'm late to work!

Squeek squeek!

Darn little hamsters. I love when they shake their heads to the beat.

Age of Aquarius

Tonight I was browsing through some my favorite tumblrs and I can across a post called "What month were you born in?" The entire thing was a list of months, and personality quirks/attributes of the person born in that month. I read my hunnie's month, some of the items were applicable some were not. Then I read mine...

outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. self control. kind hearted. Self confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. easy to get along with and talk to. has an “every thing’s peachy” attitude. likes talking and singing. loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of “that someone”. longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by “no pain no gain” caring. always a suspect. playful. mysterious. “charming” or “beautiful” to everyone. stubborn. curious.. independent. strong willed. a fighter. repost in 5 mins and you will meet the love of your life sometime next month

One or two items were off but otherwise... yeah. Even though I hate to admit it, it was pretty spot on. haha

Hello, I love you...

I am currently lusting after these beauties:

Christian Louboutin Bianca 140 pumps - photo from Net-a-Porter

Be still my heart. If only I had a spare $800, and no looming financial obligations. Oh, and maybe the ability to wear 5.5 inch heels.

Thank You.

photo from we heart it

Thank for your service to our nation. Thank you for doing things that scare me. Thank you for doing things that keep me safe. Thank you for struggling through things I never could. Thank you for being you. Thank you.

Once upon a time it never occurred to me to say "thank you" to someone in uniform. I suppose I was intimidated by the uniform. I've since realized something very simple (and obvious). People in uniform are just that... PEOPLE. Remember, it doesn't need to be Memorial Day to say thank you...

My Head is full of water

I haven't had a full night's sleep in I don't know long. I might also add that I am not a lady who functions well with under 8 hours of sleep. Needless to say, I've been quite off kilter lately. The other night I sat down to pay off a bill (online) and ended up overpaying by $400! I emptied my checking account in the process. YIKES. I nearly cried. Of course it was late at night and the recorded customer service greeting told me to call again during normal business hours. You better believe I did.

Anyway... last night I prayed that I would 1) fall asleep and stay asleep for the entire evening and 2) wake up happy. I had a difficult time falling asleep but I slept for 6.5 hours. Though it's not my full 8 hours I'm still pleased! Also, I didn't feel immediately happy upon waking but who ever does?

It was 75 degrees when I left my apartment this morning. The humidity was palpable. I walked the slowest I've ever walked to get to the metro. Every day this week I've been dripping sweat before I even get on the train. UGH. I hate sweating. I was determined to beat the drip today. I DID! On the train I listened to some K$ which got me pumped. All in all, it's been a good morning so far. Let's hope the rest of the day continues in the same fashion.


KE$HA - Boots and Boys

Fergalicious

Tonight while I prepared (and later, ate) dinner I had on the tv for some background noise. E! had a show on the 30 best and worst beach bodies. My highlight was Fergie. I had to share:

Hotness.

I Wanna Rock Right Now

Today I'm LOVING this song. Had my own little dance party!


Black Eyed Peas - Rock That Body

Baby Steps

Eva Mendes at the Golden Globes

Yesterday I was at the gym and I decided to test out the whole running thing. I wondered if the whole running a mile thing was a fluke or something more. I happy to report that I duplicated my results for the second time. SUCCESS! Baby steps. Baby steps. But steps nonetheless.

And yes... the picture has nothing to do with this post. But forgive me... I love this look and Eva is stunning.

Meow.. MeOw... MEOW....Meow?

Yes, this is what would happen if I ever let my little fur ball in my bedroom. Instead, she does this to my door. Every morning. Starting at 4am.

Hello, Dolly.

Today I decided to work from home to take care of some errands. With an early start to the day I was able to stop by 4pm. Perfect, I can watch Oprah! I was bummed when the channel guide said that today's Oprah would feature Dolly Parton. It's rare that I get to watch Oprah so I was really hoping that it would be an episode with Nate Berkus or Dr. Oz. No such luck.

I don't listen to country music and I didn't know anything about Dolly. I ended up watching the whole hour and I was pleasantly surprised. She seem like a genuine sweetheart. Did you know that she's been married to her husband for 42 years? 42!! (They've been together for 46. Also, note that is Kenny Rogers in the picture, not her hubby.) Continuing on the marriage thing...

Amazing. I'm jealous and hopeful at the same time. Dolly said that she met her husband the first day she was in Nashville. Aww... I met B (my husband to be) my first day in the DC area. I hope for 42+ years of happy marriage.

Alpaca Madness

So, I mentioned that I think alpacas are pretty rad. Their little grins crack me up. After I've seen two related commercials in the last two days I knew that I had to share.

I guess I'm not the only one who loves these guys. I'm a trendsetter! Who knew?

Commercial by Stanley Steemer "Alpaca"

When I went looking for this commercial clip I found other slight variations. It may be a series...!

Seriously... who does that?

Tonight I gave myself a paper cut. Not a huge deal, right? Except it was on my EYE. Yes, as in my EYE BALL. And that wasn't the first time. I did this YESTERDAY too. Ugh. This is definitely a sign. Apparently the universe thinks I should chill with my decluttering/organizing efforts.

On the up side... guess what I found while cleaning out the junk drawer?

Among the pile of gift cards, old receipts, a 3M hook, one screw, Snoopy Christmas stickers and a bunch of other odds and ends I found four Coach tags. haha. Can you guess what brand my bag of choice is?

So I Just Kept Running

Today I was draggingggggg at the end of the work day. I thought about possibly doing some window shopping but once I evaluated all of my options I realized that I didn't want to shop. I just wanted to go HOME. So that's what I did. And even though I was tired, and hot, etc. I pushed myself to go the gym. While on the treadmill I decided to run for a bit. If I "run" I usually do it for one song and that's about it. If you know me then you know that I am not a runner. I always wished I could be, but I didn't think that I had it in me. Maybe I do....

I ran for the one song and I was feeling surprisingly good so I kept running. And running. I ran for 11 minutes until the treadmill started my cool down and I had to stop. I did 2 miles (total) on the treadmill which means that I may have run a mile! Woohoo. I am incredibly proud of myself. YAY ME! hahaha

I can only hope that one day I'll look like this girl:

Image via Tumblr

I love alpacas.

Tonight I browsed through We Heart It and found some goodies for your enjoyment, and mine.

Fun jewelry:

Looks like some good times below... I love sparklers even if I am afraid that I'll burn or maim myself in some way. (I've gotten "burnt" by sparklers and it's scared the crap out of me.)

A bevy of gorgeous girls. Can I look like this, please?

And this, just for fun. Because who doesn't love alpacas!

All images found via We Heart It